Saturday afternoon I sat on my bed, trying to make sense of the thoughts in my head. Earlier in the day I had gotten the news that a friend’s sister’s battle with cancer had taken a turn for the worse. They weren’t sure what that meant, still aren’t just yet, but they knew it wasn’t good and I could only imagine that they were feeling rather devoid of hope, confused and unsure of what to do next. As I thought about that, and about the crucifixion of Jesus, I couldn’t help but consider what those around Him felt that day between…and as I thought of that the words flowed. This is what I wrote:
“Darkness descended yesterday late in the day, taking with it all hope, certainty and confidence in what tomorrow would bring.
All we are left with are questions – what do we do now? What do we BELIEVE now? How do we move forward from here? He said “It is finished.” but WHAT is finished?
I am empty, feeling drained of thought and emotion. Frozen in place, unable to comprehend what has happened or to sort out what it means.
My heart aches, weeps, physically hurts, as I watch the family grieving this loss. So much pain contained in their faces. My life has been affected by this and it hurts me but how much more it must hurt them. I know the pain they are feeling, having lost loved ones of my own – different circumstances and certainly different reasons but loss none the less. So I know the pain but there is a huge difference between my losses and this loss. My losses, while hard, have also made a certain amount of sense. At least there has been reason to explain them and make them easier to accept.
This, THIS loss makes NO sense.
He was INNOCENT!! The most right man any of us has ever known or will ever know. I realize it sounds impossible but He NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG! EVER! Not one bad thing or thought!
How does a person condemn a perfectly good man to die in such a way? Where is the justice in that? And if they can do such a thing with someone so free of guilt, couldn’t they also do this to me or any of the others?
I am afraid.
I thought I would spend the rest of my life with Jesus, working and living alongside Him and His family and friends. But now I don’t know what I am going to do or where I am going to go. I don’t want to leave these people – I really have no place to go – but I can’t imagine they will want me to hang around for too long. I’m not really one that is welcome in most circles given my past. With Jesus gone, I’m sure it won’t be long before they realize that.
Jesus was the only one who knew my past and truly did not care about it. It’s like He saw who I really was, what I had done, and then forgot all about it. I have changed since I started following Him and I know I will never be that person I used to be again, of that I am certain. But I am uncertain of what the others see.
The only one I was certain of is now dead.
Oh Jesus!! I don’t understand!
I feel so alone. So afraid.
How does life go on when the one you have loved the most, been loved by the most, has been killed and now lies in a tomb?
My heart is breaking. I cannot wait for Sabbath to be over so that I can go to His tomb. I just want to be close to Him, even if just His body. Maybe things will start to make sense then.”
I wrote this from the perspective of a woman, one who had a sullied past, who wouldn’t be accepted as equal in society of those days. We know Mary Magdalene was such a woman, and she was the one who found Jesus’ tomb was empty and the first with whom He spoke. The despair she must have felt the day between would have been erased in a moment!
So often we are faced with loss, with hardships, that don’t make sense. The days following are dark and so very hard. It can seem impossible to move forward. And yet the day comes when everything changes. We have to live through the Friday and experience the Saturday in order to get to the Sunday. I am certain that what Mary discovered on Sunday was nothing like she imagined she’d find and the same is often true for us. Friday is always so very dark, Saturday seems impossible to move beyond but Sunday always comes. And for that I am so very thankful.